What is your pattern in conflict?

Just like we all have specific Love Languages that tell us how we experience affection, and what we need from our romantic partners to feel fulfilled, we also have a particular pattern in conflict that tells us what we see at the root of our conflict, what situations trigger us and what we need, to feel that the conflict has resolved.

Knowing this pattern in ourselves and the people in our lives gives us a roadmap for consciously working through conflicts together, and allows us to approach our conflicts from a place of empathy, where we give each other the space to have different experiences and needs.

What are the different patterns in conflict, and how can I find out what my particular pattern is?

The way we relate to conflict is shaped, to a large extent, by what we see as the driving force in our lives. At the most fundamental level, a person can be driven by one of three forces. This force is at the core of who we are and underpins our entire experience of the world. As a result, it’s not something that typically changes within us as we move through life. It’s a part of how we’re wired.

Every single one of us is driven, at our core, by either capability, sensitivity, or competition.

If you’re driven by capability:

You see conflict as a problem that you need to solve. This means that what is at the centre of a conflict for you is yourself and your own ability or inability to effectively understand and deal with the problem.

What you focus on in any given conflict are the actions that you can take.

What can I do differently?

What am I missing?

What are the steps I need to take to understand and solve this problem?

This makes communication an important part of conflict resolution for you. Sharing your perspective and hearing the perspective of the other person is what helps you understand the full scope of the problem. This is what puts you and the other person on the same page and lets you work together towards a solution that works for both of you.

You feel most at ease in a conflict when you can make logical sense of it. When you can see clearly what caused it, and what you need to do to resolve it or prevent it from happening in the future. You also need to feel that you’re taking concrete steps towards a tangible solution that addresses the source of the problem. Simply sharing your feelings without an action plan is not enough.

Because you are driven by capability, it’s important to you to be a smart and highly effective person. You value learning and achievement, and feel most fulfilled when you improve yourself.

This also means that you feel the most antagonized and hurt when your intelligence or capability is insulted. Situations that put you on the spot or question and undermine your quality as a person are the ones that affect you the most emotionally, and can be the hardest to get over.

If you’re driven by sensitivity:

You see conflict as something unexpected that hurts you. This means that what is at the centre of a conflict for you is the way this situation is affecting you. At the deepest level, you’re driven by a particular kind of sensitivity. For example, maybe you’re sensitive to feeling disrespected, or feeling frightened, or feeling disconnected.

Whatever your sensitivity is, it creates very intense and uncomfortable feelings within you, and is triggered by the conflicts in your life. This sensitivity also drives your reactions to the situation. For example, if you’re sensitive to fright, you might have a fight or flight response, or if you’re sensitive to disrespect, you might react with indignation or anger.

What you focus on in any given conflict is the way the situation makes you feel and react.

What sensations do I feel in my mind and body when I’m in conflict?

How do I react to these sensations?

What am I sensitive to? What do I do to adapt to my sensitivity?

You also try to adapt to situations so that they don’t trigger your sensitivity. For example, if you’re sensitive to disrespect, you might try to be very kind and yielding, or dignified and respectful, so that you’re never put in a position where you’re disrespected.

Being adaptable in this way can make it feel particularly unexpected or hurtful when someone does trigger your sensitivity. In these moments, seeing the other person acknowledge how they made you feel helps you resolve the conflict and move on from the situation.

Because you’re driven by sensitivity, it’s important to you to be a kind-hearted and good-natured person. You value being happy and going with the flow, and feel most fulfilled when you can relax and have peace of mind.

This also means that you’re most antagonized and hurt when you feel your kindness is being taken advantage of. You feel that you’re a good person, who tries to do good things and help others, and it hurts you when you see other people aren’t like you. That they don’t care as much as you do, and are only driven by their own gains.

If you’re driven by competition:

You see conflict as a potential threat or attack. This means that what is at the centre of a conflict for you is the other person and what they’re doing to oppose you.

What you focus on in any given conflict are the actions the other person takes.

What does this person want?

What is making them act in this way?

What can I do to get them on my side?

This inherently makes conflicts tense for you. You feel that you’re being threatened and that you need to defend yourself or even fight back.

For you to feel that a conflict can be resolved, you need to feel that the other person is no longer a threat. As long as there’s anger and tension, and it feels like you’re opposing each other, you can’t let your guard down.

Once you feel that you and the other person are on the same side, and that it’s no longer “you vs. each other”, but rather, “you vs. the problem”, then you feel safe and relaxed enough to work towards a solution together.

It’s also important to you to feel engaged in the conflict. That there is a give and take, and that your actions are picked up and reciprocated by the other person. It is through this engagement that you can suss out your opponent and maneuver the situation. If your actions don’t have any impact on the other person, you can’t move the situation towards what you want.

Because you’re driven by competition, it’s important to you to be a powerful and attractive person. You value being seen and having an impact, and feel most fulfilled when you play and engage with others.

This also means that you feel the most aggravated by situations where your actions go unnoticed. Where the other person doesn’t engage with you and isn’t impacted by the things you do. This can make you feel dull and bored, and like there’s nothing to play with or maneuver in this situation.

Understanding our pattern in conflict, and seeing how someone else’s pattern can be different, lets us see that we don’t all come from the same place, and may need different things to feel like the conflict is resolved.

It also lets us see how we can be triggered by different situations, and how something that may not even register for us, can be incredibly hurtful to someone else. This helps us be more mindful of the other person when we’re in conflict, and lets us know what we can do to make them feel more safe and open. It is only when this happens that we can move towards resolving the conflict.

If you’re interested in finding out your pattern in conflict, fill out our personality test at Hello Iris. You’ll get a detailed report on your inner experience of conflict and stress, as well as personalized guided meditations that let you dig deeper into that experience.