What does compatibility really mean?
There are different schools of thought when it comes to the idea of compatibility. Some people believe in soulmates, others think love is made through hard work and compromise. But regardless of where we fall on that spectrum, most of us have asked ourselves at some point:
How much work should it take to make a relationship last?
When should things be easy? When should they be hard?
Should we stay and fight for this relationship, or should we leave?
These questions can be hard to answer because we don’t have a standard for compatibility that we can apply to all our relationships. Every relationship we have is a little different. Our partners are different. We’re different. Where we are in our lives and what we want are different. Something that was a dealbreaker in our last relationship feels perfectly fine in this one, and vice versa.
How can we know what signals in a relationship are red flags?
To answer this question, we have to understand what “compatibility” really means and where in our relationships we should look to find it.
True compatibility is measured by how easy it is for our life and our partner’s life to be intertwined.
How can we tell if we are truly compatible with our partner?
1. We belong to the same communities.
When we meet someone who belongs to the same communities that we do, we’ve met someone who not only understands our lifestyle and values, but has actually chosen them for their own life as well. This makes it a lot easier for us to not only understand each other, but to actually be a part of each other’s lives in a meaningful way.
We are social creatures who are shaped to a large extent by our environments. We grow closest to the people we are around most often. If our partner is someone who is naturally a part of our environment, and whom we don’t have to “try” to spend time with, growing closer to them becomes almost inevitable.
Not only do we share a lot of small and spontaneous moments, but we have a shared experience that allows us to connect with each other at a deeper level. We know the same people, deal with similar challenges and live lives that are governed by similar rules. This makes us more involved and interested in each others’ lives and actually in a position where we understand and can work through each others’ problems together.
Working together in this way is not only a bonding experience, but one of the main requirements for building a life with someone. How we face and overcome challenges together tells us whether or not we are compatible with each other “as people”.
Do we support each other or tear each other down?
Do we challenge and push each other, or do we hold each other back?
Do we have a healthy give and take, or is one of us put in the unhealthy position of having to take care of the other?
Connecting with our partners through our communities lets us filter out those who are not aligned with our lifestyle and values and provides us with a natural way to explore the answers to these questions, so that we can determine if our partner will be a good fit for us in the long term.
2. We share the same core mode of connecting.
Each one of us has something in our life that we really love doing. Whether it’s traveling, watching obscure TV shows, or having intellectual debates over tapas and wine, there is an activity in our life that never fails to invigorate us and bring us joy.
When we’re doing this activity, we feel the most like ourselves, and often feel like we’re at our best. So to share this activity with our partner becomes extremely meaningful, allowing us to connect through an experience that brings out the core of who we are.
Connecting with our partners in this way shows us that we can be friends, that we can enjoy each other’s company, and that we can have fun together without trying.
How do they feel about what I love to do most?
How do I feel about what they love to do most?
When we do our favourite activities together, how much fun do we have?
The answers to these questions become increasingly important as our relationship moves out of the honeymoon phase. Sharing our fun with our partner and connecting with them through what we love to do most makes our relationship more sustainable. It allows us to keep enjoying each other, even as we grow more comfortable and make less of an effort to entertain each other.
3. We are working towards the same future.
This is perhaps the most important point when it comes to long-term compatibility. We can’t work to build a life with someone when we want different things.
Sharing the same lifestyle, values and fun are all ways to see if we want the same life as someone else. But very often in life, especially when we’re young, we find ourselves adopting a particular lifestyle or community out of happenstance, without giving much thought to whether or not this is something we actually want.
When we form bonds with people we meet from these communities, we find it easy to stay together, because we share a lot of what our lives look like right now. But after some time, our relationship reaches a stalemate, because we don’t want the same future.
Often, we don’t even realize this is what’s happening, or we think that this is something we can work through because we have so much together. But what we find is that our life is being pulled in two opposite directions, and to stay together means that one of us has to give up on the life that they want.
This scenario can be an extremely painful one to navigate and without an easy answer. It can feel like we’re losing or sacrificing something important to us regardless of the choice we make.
That’s why it’s so important, especially as we get older and more interested in a longterm partnership, that we take the time to really understand the kind of life we want, and to do the work to set our present circumstance up to reflect that.
What does my dream life look like 15 years from now?
Who are the people in my life then? What are their values and lifestyle? What communities are they a part of?
What does my life look like right now? What do I have to change to set myself up for the life I want?
Knowing the answers to these questions for yourself and for your partner will let you see how your relationship and life path align more clearly, allowing you to move towards the life you want more deliberately and confidently.
Compatibility in the long term comes down to moving forward together.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry said, “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction”, and this is perhaps the most true thing that’s ever been said about love. It is when we come to the same side, share the same experience and move together towards the same destination that we become one.
