How do you define a good relationship?
The ways we show up to our relationships, and the types of relationships we instinctively look for and find ourselves in, have a lot to do with what we each believe a good relationship looks like at a fundamental level.
Even an idea as seemingly commonplace as “The One” brings with it a number of assumptions that can result in unwanted patterns in our relationships.
The most obvious assumption we have about “The One” is that having a good relationship is dependent on finding the “right” person. That there is one specific, special person out there who can make us happier than all the rest.
But if we continue to dig into what we think makes “The One” special, we’ll start to see differences emerge, differences that tell us about who we are and where we place value in our lives.
Typically, we think of “The One” as either somebody who is compatible with us or somebody with whom we share a great love.
Which one of these ideas we relate to more can reveal a lot about how we behave in our relationships. What we strive for, what we compromise on, and what we refuse to accept. It also tells us about the kinds of partners we choose, and the kinds of partners we try to be.
Seeing “The One” as someone who is compatible with us comes with the inherent assumption that relationships should be easy. If our partner complements us in every way, staying together should never feel like work. There should never be extended rough patches, major transgressions or even areas where we can’t connect or see eye to eye.
People who relate to the idea of “The One” in this way tend to be independent and have a strong sense of self. For them, the ideal relationship is about someone else fitting into their life. Someone else matching them.
This means that they have a lower tolerance for partners and relationships that are less than perfect. They are comfortable being single, and are quick to end a relationship when it gets messy or thwarts their expectations. For them, things not going smoothly is a sign that they haven’t found “The One” who is compatible enough with them yet.
Seeing “The One” as someone with whom we share a great love comes with the inherent assumption that if we love someone, the relationship has to work. No matter how incompatible we are, how much we hurt each other, how much we want different things, the fact that we love each other shows us that we’ve found the one.
People who relate to the idea of “The One” in this way tend to be emotional and giving, with a great capacity for love. They really believe in the “work” of love, and because of this, often find themselves taking on the majority of the emotional labour in their relationships.
This means that they have a higher tolerance for the messy work of a relationship, and for unhappiness. They are willing to sacrifice their own wants and needs, which can result in them losing their sense of self and staying in unfulfilling relationships for far longer than they should. The fact that they love their partner, for them, is a sign that they have found the one, and that their relationship has to last.
Regardless of which version of “The One” you resonate with more, it’s interesting to see how even this idea, which can seem so simple and universal, reveals so much about the hidden biases and limiting beliefs we bring to our relationships.
To undo our old patterns and cultivate the kinds of relationships that truly make us happy, it’s important to continue questioning our perceptions and challenge the assumptions we take for granted.
What has made me leave relationships in the past? What has made me stay?
What were my beliefs about myself at that point? What were my beliefs about my partner?
What was my idea of a good relationship then? What is it now?
